Hummingbird
by JustPeachy123
Summary: Literati Jess's thoughts on life after he left Stars Hollow. Songfic Oneshot 'Remember to remember me, standing still in your past.'


1Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls or "Hummingbird" by Wilco

I remember what it was like on the bus ride to Stars Hollow, stuffy, cold, and boring. I had tried to talk Lizzie out of making me go for what seemed like hours, but she was never one to give in. The bus ride away from Stars Hollow was about the same, but I couldn't get her off of my mind.

Rory had always told me I could do better, I could pass highschool, I was smarter than everyone there, it was true. But I failed. I thought I could catch up, I really did, I just...couldn't. I was too "bad-ass" to

I really just wanted to get away. Away from Stars Hollow, away from Luke, away from Rory. I know it sounds crazy. She's pretty, smart, sweet, all the stereotypical things you could want in a girl but I needed to get away from her. I know it's cliche, but she could do so much better than me and I needed to forget about her and move on.

_His goal in life was to be an echo_

_Riding alone town after town, toll after toll_

_A fixed bayonet through the great southwest to forget her_

But, I can't forget about her. I still dream about her, think about her, I'm always being reminded of her. I dream about marrying her sometimes, yes, once again cliche, but you can't control your dreams. Besides, no one really remembers their dreams right? A dream could mean _anything_.

I think about how I let her down, how much I crushed her. I could never make her upset, I can't remember a time in our relationship when she was _actually _mad at me. There was the whole swan fiasco, but we fixed it in about three days.

So many things could upset her, the littlest of things, but I was the one that made her truly happy. You could see it in her eyes, the way they sparkled, they never did with Dean.

_She appears in his dreams_

_But in his car and in his arms _

_A dream can mean anything_

_A cheap sunset on a television set could upset her _

_But he never could_

Dean Forrester, well there's a whole story in it's own. I'll admit it, I was jealous of Dean. From the first day I saw Rory I knew I wanted her, but Dean was always in the way. I wonder what it would be like if Rory and Dean hadn't broken up at the dance marathon.

And if they had been together when I dropped out of Stars Hollow High would Rory still remember me? Or would I just be that little memory shoved in the back of her brain that dropped out of highschool and was the guy that her perfect boyfriend was jealous of?

_Remember to remember me  
Standing still in your past Floating fast like a hummingbird  
_

But that's not how it happened. The truth is, I hurt her because I was hurt. I was screaming inside, but no one could hear me. No matter what I did no one wanted to or could hear what I was really saying. And that's why I wanted to get out.

I wanted to know if there was a place that I could escape, where someone could hear me screaming. There wasn't.

_His goal in life was to be an echo  
The type of sound that floats around and then back down  
Like a feather  
But in the deep chrome canyons of the loudest Manhattans  
No one could hear him or anything  
_

I went all over the place. I took my sleeping bag and my clothes and took off. Montana, New Mexico, Boston, back to Connecticut, you name it, I went there. One time in Montana in a place called Whitefish I slept on the mountain underneath the stars with my trusty sleeping bag.

While staring up at the stars, something told me that I wouldn't be alone forever. No matter what, I would find someone. That was a week before I went to go see Rory at her dorm. But even after she rejected me, I knew that somehow there was a glimmer of hope. I wasn't going to die alone.

_So he slept on a mountain  
In a sleeping bag underneath the stars  
He would lie awake and count them  
And the gray fountain spray of the great Milky Way  
Would never let him die alone  
_

I had my chance and I blew it, I know this now. I've been all over, like a hummingbird, but the only place I've found true love was with you, Rory. So, don't forget me, the lonely wanderer, the one who had true love and lost it. Don't forget me.

_Remember to remember me   
Standing still in your past  
Floating fast like a hummingbird   
A hummingbird  
_


End file.
